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{August 15, 2022} I was dreaming and I was somehow aware I was dreaming. And in the dream there were two of me. I saw myself in the dream and I was also in the dream seeing myself, so I guess there were three of me. I was in heaven, and one of me was dead. He was the one sitting at the desk, and the other me was watching from a short distance. It was an ethereal scene with puffy white clouds. It was heaven, but all three of me knew it was allegorical, more like a movie version of heaven.

The me being observed was sitting at a desk being interviewed by an angelic being. The interview had only one exchange, and it was not a question, but rather a directive. It was a simple, yet profound request; “Describe your entire life with one word.” The two observers, the me in the dream watching and the me dreaming were completely aware of the magnitude of what he was asked to contemplate. We became excited and curious. What word would he choose? We truly didn’t know.

What we did know is that long ago I identified five core values that animated my life: virtue, integrity, justice, innovation, and influence. Each word had deep significant meaning; each, if unpacked, explained an essential element of what I held most dear. Those five words guided my character and commitment. Which word would he choose? Or, would he choose another? We were fascinated as we observed the dead me answer the challenge. I sat there at the desk. It was a sober moment, a watershed moment. Both onlookers pondered, as the dreaming me laying in bed, and the observing me who watched inside the dream, could feel our racing heart escalate. It pounded with such anticipation. He stared at his angelic Interrogator and without hesitation offered one word with complete confidence… “Available.” Available? And then I woke!

I sat straight up in bed, my beautiful bride in a deep restful sleep next to me, and I instantly wrestled with the idea. Available? Immediately, in a sober, self-reflective moment, I sought the Lord.

No, not three of us, not the man at the desk, and not the man observing from a short distance, but me—awake, and completely aware of the transaction that just occurred. I confessed, “O God, if you required this of me at this very moment, if I had to give You one word right now, I could not do it. I can’t describe my life with one word; I need two words Lord.”

I was disappointed in myself, but not in a self-condemning way. It was the type of disappointment that inspires a steadfast resolve to change something, the type that comes when you look in the mirror and admit the unadulterated truth. “Mostly available!” That’s what I confessed to the Lord that morning; that’s what I confessed to myself. “I love You Lord, and I love Your people, and I want to serve you with reckless abandon! Yet, their is still some small part of me that is holding onto something for myself.” God does not want most of me, even if it’s 99.99%. He wants all of me.

Something else happened that day. I made a decision that when I die, when I sit at that allegorical desk, alone, with no observers—just me, I will say to my Interrogator, “Available.” That’s the one word I can use to describe my life Lord. “I am…available!”

Let the journey begin!